The temptation to flop a sack-load of testicle-based innuendo onto this page is almost too much to resist. But that would be nuts - and completely below me. No, these mighty globes deserve our respectful reverence. So, if you do find yourself smirking at what you perceive to be smut, rest assured it's not my doing, it's your own filthy mind.
This recipe is based on the legendary meatballs of Tabriz, a northwestern city in Iran famous for carpets, jewellery and yes, the size of their balls. They're gargantuan. They make Italian meatballs blush and their Swedish counterparts shrivel in shame.
They're also a great place to incorporate a few leftovers. I made these because I had minced lamb leftover from making kebabs and a bowl of rice from, well, just being half Iranian.
Traditionally, you also add yellow split peas, herbs and dried fruit. I loved them as a kid because each ball would hide a surprise at its centre - a plump dried plum or apricot. It was the Iranian equivalent of a Kinder Surprise, although the plums weren't much fun to play with.
As always, feel free to use what you have. If you don't have lamb, beef will do - just not the lean stuff. Lean mince doesn't hold enough moisture so your balls will disintegrate in the cooking sauce. If you don't have walnuts or dried plums to stuff into your balls, use cranberries, raisins or dried apricots - the only rule is be resourceful.
Ratios are also relatively flexible. That said, if you have too high a proportion of rice or split peas, there won't be enough gluey minced meat to give your balls structural integrity.
Massive Middle Eastern Meatballs
~ serves 4 ~
Meatball Ingredients
500g minced lamb
1 onion
2 cups cooked rice
1 cup cooked yellow split peas
12 strands of saffron steeped in 2 tbsp boiling water for 20 minutes
1 tbsp dried tarragon
1 tbsp dried parsley (or 2 tbsp fresh)
1 tbsp dried dill (or 2 tbsp fresh)
1 tbsp turmeric
1 tsp cinnamon
1.5 tsp salt
1 tsp ground black pepper
1 egg
Meatball Stuffing Ideas
You want to stuff each ball with about 2 tbsp of mystery...
- dried prunes
- dried apricots,
- dried cranberries
- walnuts
- pistachio
- boiled egg
- fried onions
Cooking Sauce Ingredients
140g tomato puree
400g tomato paste
400ml boiling water
2 large onions, thinly sliced
2 tbsp cooking oil
1 tsp black pepper
1 tbsp turmeric
1 tsp cinnamon
6 cardamom pods, cracked open
1 tsp sugar
1 tbsp salt
Cooking Sauce Method
Start with the sauce.
In a large pot, fry your onions in the oil until golden.
Add the spices, salt and sugar and stir for a couple of minutes until combined.
Add the tomato puree and stir until combined.
Add the tomato pasta and the water and stir.
Check the seasoning. Is it salty, sweet and fragrant? Good. You may leave it to bubble away gently while you make your meatballs.
Meatball Method
Grate your onion into a sieve. You don't want the onions to be too wet so squeeze out the excess juice with a spatula.
Add the grated onion to a large mixing bowl with the rest of the meatball ingredients.
Get your hands in there and start squishing and mixing. The longer you work it, the bouncier, juicier and more robust your balls will be. Ten minutes is ideal.
If you can, leave your mixture to marinate in the fridge over night. If you can't, don't worry.
With wet hands, scoop up a tennis ball sized lump of mixture. Once you've rolled, cupped and caressed it into a perfect sphere, poke a hole in the centre with a finger and tease out a gap in the centre for your stuffing. Stuff away, then pinch the hole closed and reshape it again.
Once you've used up all your mixture, gently lower your balls into the simmering sauce one at a time. The sauce should come at least halfway up the balls. If it doesn't, top up with boiling water.
Cover the pot with a lid and simmer for an hour. Adjust your balls every 15 minutes so they cook evenly and don't stick.
When they're done, plop your meaty boulders into a bowl - one each should do the trick. Ladle over a bit of sauce, drizzle some plain yoghurt and sprinkle a few fried onions on top. Serve with whatever Middle Eastern bread you can get your hands on in your part of the world.
If you can be bothered (be bothered) pop six green chillis under the grill or on the bbq until they blister and blacken. Toss them in a bowl with a tbsp salt, 2 cloves of crushed garlic, 3 tbsp vinegar and 3 tbsp olive oil. Let them marinade for 20 mins before serving with your meatballs.
Comments